Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
