I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
