I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
