Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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