dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
pray to the hookup gods
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
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