I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
