Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
