There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
