worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
