he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
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