I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
