True but thats because hes a fetus.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
