I feel like I'm in dance class right now
We're facebook friends in real life
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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