I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
