I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize