U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
