I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize