i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
