I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
