i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
