Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize