he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
