I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
