'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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