he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I need to stop coming to work sober
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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