I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
