Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
