Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize