no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
