Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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