He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
