did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
