I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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