Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
