Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
