So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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