Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
My dick has a subreddit
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
