The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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