I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Randomize
