why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
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