I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
