her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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