I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
