Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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