Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
