I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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