just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
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