Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
