I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I accidentally burped into my bong.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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