I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
