Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Randomize
