oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
