I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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