did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
