Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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