Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
