my phone needs a breathalizer
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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