All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
