I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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