my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
