tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I AM VODKA MAN
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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