Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Randomize
