Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
