I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize