I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
