Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
