It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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