just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
